Monday, 2 June 2014

Depression: A Confession.

It's time to face up to something that people who know me have known for some time, but I've been largely unwilling to accept myself. Depression.

Seems like such an inoffensive word, doesn't it? Calm, clinical. It sounds nothing like the real thing. The real thing is hella complicated, sounds like laziness in some quarters, cynicism in others (and, make no mistake, I'm definitely cynical, always have been). But it's more than that, and that's part of what makes it so hard to deal with. Lemme try and spell it out for you.

I have two guitars, a graphtab, and a brain that, when it works right, can churn out some good stuff. But the guitars lie mostly unused, except for when I need to cheer myself up a little. The tablet goes only sporadically used, even though people tell me my sketchbook is filled with good stuff. The Wii, which I bought for fitness, goes largely unused. And I don't go out much. But here's part of what makes it complicated. I don't go out much because I can't afford to go out much. I pay my bills, act mostly responsible (except at grant time, that makes me slightly crazy, as any family member or close friend can attest), and hold up a few friends as much as I can.

But not going out much means I don't meet many people, except the assholes who decide to make your life shittier because their life feels shitty, and they wanna take it out on someone. I don't blame those guys (and it is mostly guys), because they've been schooled by a lot of things to believe that they can't get out of their lives, their chase for something that'll make them feel less dead inside. And that doesn't help matters.

Stay with me here, because this is gonna be long, and it's going to sound like whining. Don't think of it as whining. Think of it as a confession. Because I know I can't get better without getting this off my chest.

I don't blame my family, either. I'm a terrible communicator (ironic, considering how much I write, and sing, and apparently make other people feel better to the point that some folks call me a "legend" or an "alright guy"... Believe me, that's high praise, and it'd be wrong not to feel flattered). They've got their own problems to deal with, their own life to live, and I don't want to be a burden to them. But I can't depend on them for my safety net. Not because they won't help out if they can. They would, and they have, pretty much every time I've been in trouble. Bless 'em, they've coped with this Durbin Jr for years.

In fact, there's nobody to blame, even myself. Because even if you make a conscious decision to fight it, there are going to be days like the past couple, where I know I've done nothing of substance. In fact, I'm currently fighting the temptation to destroy what little progress I've made on something, because of the other facet of what makes Depression such a bitch. Little things.

See, when you're depressed, little things hit you more. That one line (whether drawn or written) that just doesn't sit right. That one time where you can't find a way to fix things with a ctrl+z and a quick wave. That one slightly shitty game that you just don't want to write words about, because you might piss someone you vaguely like off, and the remote chance they'll cut you off from reviewing their stuff, from talking to them more, because you showed an opinion they'll get over when their next good game comes out. Or even the slight shittiness you get from people when they're drunk and angry, and act slightly racist. All of these little things add up, whether they're from outside of you... Or inside.

And you don't want pills for it. You want to beat it, because you've had pills before, and they make your mind move too damn slow. But there's no easy answers here, folks. No happy ending, no Superman to make things right all of a sudden. I'll be honest here, I'm not sure what to try. People say "Find a routine, stick to it, it makes things better."

It's a solution. But it's also one you can't do alone. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a god-damn saint with a cast-iron will. It's also one you can't do with just one person. I tried that with an ex (no names, because that would be decidedly unfair to the person in question), and believe me, it wears you down, because they look to you, and you're not always there... And when you're not there, suddenly you're an asshole who can't do anything right, and god why don't you feel for them, and... Oh, look, a week after the argument, they're back, and only you can help them. We don't talk anymore, and it's not just because we grew apart interest wise. It's because, even if they have gotten better, Depression is a sneaky son of a bitch that can come back, and I'm not strong enough to deal with that again. I know I'm not. And I wouldn't wish that on any one person.

All I can do is my best, but... I guess I'm askin' for something. Friends, family, people I know but don't really talk much to (It's not your fault, it's mine... Terrible communicator, not gonna apologise for that, just gonna outright say it's so), think about me a little. Not a lot, that would be selfish as hell, and I've seen where that goes in my past, and the past of others. Just a little. I can't be inspired on my own, I can't deal with this on my own, and I know, again from past experience, that the majority of folks, even in the psychiatric field, don't really know how to deal with depression, and don't really have the resources to do it safely, even when they do know.

And hey, even if I've made you a lil' sad reading this, don't be. Or rather, accept that it's a sad thing that happens, even to the best of us, and... I would say move on, but it's not that sort of thing. Keep on making the world a better place in your own ways, is what I really wanna say... Because hearing about that may make me feel briefly shitty, but it'll make me feel better in the long run. I guess. Heh. It's kinda hard to put it into words.

Terrible communicator, like I said. :P

Tell you what, let's find a picture of a pug. Pugs make everything better.

As an aside, go read Mike Norton's Battle Pug. It's pretty cool, and is one of the things I use to cheer me up for a bit.

No comments:

Post a Comment